Wednesday, June 26, 2013

His mine and our a family of 10

Today I sit here in what feels like the quiet. I guess it's only quiet to me others would not agree. You see it's only Saylah and Kelli as children home and four daycare kids . There is laughing and playing and even whining, but to me it is so quiet. My step son Austin has gone back to a his mamas house for the week. My step daughter Hailie has moved out with her son and moved in with her soon to be hubby. My three youngest boys are visiting there dad for a week, And my oldest son is visiting his grand-parents for a bit. Are very special Therphy dog Kyta has run away from home about 2 weeks ago so even her company is not here, and Ofcourse my hard working husband is off to the work zone. So in what seems to others im sure as chaos my home is quiet and I am feeling sad with out my wild bunch of 10 feeling my nest. I am sitting here and I hear the Tv in the play room going and the Tv in the living room as well, children making nose but with out my baby's I feel empty. I have cleaned the house and taken out the trash, feed the daycare kids, and my baby girl. Still have some dishes to do but I have decided to put that on Hold and beging bloogging/journalling. I think I need to express things again with no fear of Judgement or anything to hold me back. I'm done living in his fear or anyone elses. I am ME! and thats who I plan to be. So what is on my mind today as you can/or can't tell I miss my kids with all my heart but I feel ever so guilty for enjoying the quiet and enjoying the hot shower last night, the Early to bed and the Hot meal. Yes I do believe having that Hot meal has been my faviorite part. Yesterday I took Saylah and I went to meet a perspective Therpest. I know this is judged pretty lowly by people. I should be strong enough to not need counsling right, wth is wrong with me. My life is perfect I have a house full of kids, a great career, A new job I have started on the side selling Avon, But it has become more of a full time carrer as well. I have a fabulous Husband. Wonderful children, and a family who loves me. I even have a handful of amazing friends and lots of people who know me and I can call anytime. So why the Hell am I seeking outside help. I guess I'm lossing it somewhere inside. The Therapest/counslor says I would bennifit from bi-weekly sessions, she says I am overwhellmed and need some me time. What? me overwhellmed? wait hold on step back Me time? what on earth is that? So I reluctantly agreed to schedule another session. I hope this is not a sign of true failure. So what else has been on my mind. I am beging to see myself as a complete waist I have failed my kids, my husband my step children and ofcourse myself. I am having a hard time keeping up with everything, my goals my dreams, and my ambitions. I never got the education I so truly wanted. But heck I have tried for sure no one can say I Haven't I just never can get all the peices together or at least to stay together. weather it be child-care, or finances, or just time. Something always stops me. I have got so many goals and I want to keep it all together, so maybe I should make a list. lol That list would be so stikin long. On Friday a friend of mine said I am her mommy hero. I sucked that compliment up for sure I am so amazed anyone could see me as having it all together. I can't keep my house clean as It should be, the counslor says I have O.C.D. my kids say I am a clean freak, I yell alot, and oh my I have even cussed more then once. I believe in God/Jesus/Holy ghost, BUT I do not believe in church. I don't read my bible. My two year old is supposedily have Autisam and developmentle delay. My 14yr old is going through a hard time in his life, one I just don't relate to well. And on top of it call me crazy but since My baby girl saylah has been born. I have been trying to losse weight off and on but fail anfter fail at the attempts, and oddly enough my darling husband and I have been seriously desiring another baby, but that has not occurd yet. so Me a hero Hunny I love you but I have fallen short of that. So what is todays blog about I dunno just some feelings I suppose.

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